Blonde quickies 121-140 - 121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ... 123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own! 127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 129. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." 130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. 131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. 132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. 133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. 134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. 135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. 137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. 138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 139. Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. 140. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Temperatures - 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.
How To Be A Man! - 1. Don't call, ever. 2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike." 3. Play with yourself. Talk about it. 4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 5. Lie. 6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 9. Lie. 10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?" 12. Deny everything. Everything. 13. Don't have a clue. 14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." 16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 17. Lie. 18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily." 19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia. 20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity. 23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 26. Lie. 27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway? 28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away. 29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you. 31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in. 32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." 33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. 34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top. 35. Practice your blank stare. 36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. 37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things. 38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies. 39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 40. Lie.
The Marv Albert Song - Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear (to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland") Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in women's underwear. In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' round in women's underwear. In the office there's a guy named Marvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!" Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' round in women's underwear!
Wet Shift - How do you know when a blonde drove your car? The gear shift is wet!!
Off To Barcelona - A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!"
Blonde and Easter Bunny - Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny. He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it. A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!" "Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
Happy Anniversary - A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary. "Guess what, darling," he said, "Fifty years ago today you and I were wed." "And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table," she said. "We were naked as jaybirds, remember?" he blushed. "Oh yes," she giggled, 'Why don't we take off our clothes right now?" "All right." They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table. "Oooh, darling," she said, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "No wonder," he said, "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
The Talking Monkey - A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
Blonde joke - There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead. They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be poo head destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the not head one at a time. First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her. Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her. They didn't like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!
Super Looong List of One-Liners! - Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS A. Nothing. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. How are women and tornadoes alike? A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians? A. Hair balls. Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive Q. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavors Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy? A. Crust Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing Q. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection Q. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? A. By sticking your finger in his honey Q. What is the ultimate rejection? A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A. Both can smell it but can't eat it Q. What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A. A blow job with handle bars Q. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A. A mobile sperm bank. Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head? A. All you can eat for under a buck. Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT -we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch. Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist? A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush. Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. He wiped his arse on a leaf. Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead? A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A. His wife died. Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party? A. The cake jumps out of the girl. Q. How do you recycle toilet paper? A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it. Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A. Full up. Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? A. You can eat your mums apple pie Q. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones? A. Mobile phones are for arseholes. Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg? A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick. Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good? A. Put a nipple on it. Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week. The answer. A cockrobin. The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman. Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson? A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car. Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken? A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in. Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating. Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck. Q.What is the difference between women and computers? A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy. Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night? A. Hanson. Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms? A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area. Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair? A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud. Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe." Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest? A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13. Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as a choir boy. Q. why do tampons have strings? A. So you can floss after eating. Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you. Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms? A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year. Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger? A. They both dig dead peoples holes. Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter? A. One is a hunt on the course........... Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium? A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck. Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river? A. A blood vessel. Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby? A. A seagull flits along the shore. Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales? A. A pimp. Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A. Michael Jackson's hand. Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?" A. A blind person with a Rubix cube. Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand? A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts. Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? A. Wipe it off and apologise. Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote? A. He cant go into a cubicle alone. Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same but you get the remote. Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69? A. odour eaters. Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony? A. Its not hard. Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking? A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline. Q. How do you make a dog drink? A. Put it in the blender. Q. Why did god put men on earth? A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn. Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A. A pick pocket snatches watches. Q. What's white and clings to the wall? A. George Michael's latest release. Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A. You cant gargle with sand.
Affairs With Men - Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men!
Doctor, Doctor - One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office. "Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back." "Well let me take a look." When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face. "This is amazing." What is is doctor?" "I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!"
Inventing Wire - How was wire invented? Two lawyers pulling on a penny.
Little Johnny Rides - Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"